Real

Sometimes I just want to scream. Okay, yeah so maybe that is a little weird. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed with life that I can't breathe. I want to let it out, I want to get it off my chest.

I just want sometimes to expose my shame so that I can be free from it.

Christ said that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I don't know about you but I have really screwed up my life in the past. I have made some mistakes that I want NO one to know about. I want to hide them. Put them under the carpet. Don't air my dirty laundry. I am just going to put it in a laundry basket and hope it disappears.

Oh yeah, cause that's healthy. *sarcasm*

I hate hate hate prefection. I hate feeling like I have to be perfect all the freaking time. Sometime I wish that I felt like I could walk in and be crying and real and be accepted. But instead it unacceptable. You can have feelings but you better control them and not show them.

Ever felt that way?

I thought so.

So here it goes, I am going to air my dirty laundry. I am going to put myself out there. I am going to be real.

I am broken. I am not doing well. I cry almost every night. I can't sleep because of the demons that haunt me. My past mistakes, my shame, everything that I try to keep in the closet, it all comes out at night when no one is around. I am overwhelmed. I am barely holding on sometimes. At times the weight of the burden I carry, nearly crushes me.

The past should be the past. But the past lives in my room at night, coming out to laugh at me. He haunts me with: what if you had not messed up, what if you had made better choices, what if you weren't so stupid....

I am a broken window. All I see from the inside is a warped and indistinguishable light, I can't see the world but what it is. I see cracks and bits and portions of the whole picture. From the inside looking
out, I am a complete mess.

I can't find the strength to punch Mr. Past in the face, pick up the gun of forgiveness and shoot him with it. Because if I forgive Mr. Past, I must also forgive myself. I have to look at myself and realize that I am more than the sum of my mistakes. I have more to offer the world than my broken heart. I have to say to myself, "You messed up and it is okay. I forgive you."

So right now, I am broken. I am empty. I have nothing left. I am at the end of the rope.

Psalms 143:3-4 & 11

"For the enemy has persecuted my soul;

He has crushed my life to the ground;

He has made me dwell in darkness,

Like those who have long been dead.

 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;

My heart within me is distressed.

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!
For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble."

 



I thank God everyday that He does not let my story end there. I thank Him that He does not leave my soul in darkness. I thank God that every morning His mercies are new to me. I thank God that He pursues me even when I have nothing left to give. I thank God that He uses the broken messed up Chiarra.

I think that God loves that I am broken. Now don't take that the wrong way, He doesn't love the pain that I am in, He cries with me, He wants to carry my burden for me. But He loves that I have nothing to give. I can take no credit for what He does through my brokeness. I have nothing and yet He is still working in me.

 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

 

We are being broken so that we can be used through His strength. When you are going through hard times, hold on. You don't have to be okay all the time. You don't have to have it all together. You can be broken. Because it is in our suffering, our pain, our cries, that He can come and save us. And when we know that He is the only one that could have saved us, we can take no credit for it.

 

God doesn't judge you on how much you hurt, He doesn't say that you are not close to Him if you are going through a tough time. It is okay to be in pain, it is okay to be broken. God loves when He can hold your broken heart. He loves being your strength. Don't hide the fact that you are hurting, use it to boast in the love of God. Be real with yourself and those around you and watch God shine through you.

 

While all that we can see is a warped version of light and the outside world, God sees this when He looks in at us.

 

 

 

#ProjectYouAreReal