Real

Sometimes I just want to scream. Okay, yeah so maybe that is a little weird. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed with life that I can't breathe. I want to let it out, I want to get it off my chest.

I just want sometimes to expose my shame so that I can be free from it.

Christ said that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I don't know about you but I have really screwed up my life in the past. I have made some mistakes that I want NO one to know about. I want to hide them. Put them under the carpet. Don't air my dirty laundry. I am just going to put it in a laundry basket and hope it disappears.

Oh yeah, cause that's healthy. *sarcasm*

I hate hate hate prefection. I hate feeling like I have to be perfect all the freaking time. Sometime I wish that I felt like I could walk in and be crying and real and be accepted. But instead it unacceptable. You can have feelings but you better control them and not show them.

Ever felt that way?

I thought so.

So here it goes, I am going to air my dirty laundry. I am going to put myself out there. I am going to be real.

I am broken. I am not doing well. I cry almost every night. I can't sleep because of the demons that haunt me. My past mistakes, my shame, everything that I try to keep in the closet, it all comes out at night when no one is around. I am overwhelmed. I am barely holding on sometimes. At times the weight of the burden I carry, nearly crushes me.

The past should be the past. But the past lives in my room at night, coming out to laugh at me. He haunts me with: what if you had not messed up, what if you had made better choices, what if you weren't so stupid....

I am a broken window. All I see from the inside is a warped and indistinguishable light, I can't see the world but what it is. I see cracks and bits and portions of the whole picture. From the inside looking
out, I am a complete mess.

I can't find the strength to punch Mr. Past in the face, pick up the gun of forgiveness and shoot him with it. Because if I forgive Mr. Past, I must also forgive myself. I have to look at myself and realize that I am more than the sum of my mistakes. I have more to offer the world than my broken heart. I have to say to myself, "You messed up and it is okay. I forgive you."

So right now, I am broken. I am empty. I have nothing left. I am at the end of the rope.

Psalms 143:3-4 & 11

"For the enemy has persecuted my soul;

He has crushed my life to the ground;

He has made me dwell in darkness,

Like those who have long been dead.

 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;

My heart within me is distressed.

Revive me, O Lord, for Your name’s sake!
For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble."

 



I thank God everyday that He does not let my story end there. I thank Him that He does not leave my soul in darkness. I thank God that every morning His mercies are new to me. I thank God that He pursues me even when I have nothing left to give. I thank God that He uses the broken messed up Chiarra.

I think that God loves that I am broken. Now don't take that the wrong way, He doesn't love the pain that I am in, He cries with me, He wants to carry my burden for me. But He loves that I have nothing to give. I can take no credit for what He does through my brokeness. I have nothing and yet He is still working in me.

 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

 

We are being broken so that we can be used through His strength. When you are going through hard times, hold on. You don't have to be okay all the time. You don't have to have it all together. You can be broken. Because it is in our suffering, our pain, our cries, that He can come and save us. And when we know that He is the only one that could have saved us, we can take no credit for it.

 

God doesn't judge you on how much you hurt, He doesn't say that you are not close to Him if you are going through a tough time. It is okay to be in pain, it is okay to be broken. God loves when He can hold your broken heart. He loves being your strength. Don't hide the fact that you are hurting, use it to boast in the love of God. Be real with yourself and those around you and watch God shine through you.

 

While all that we can see is a warped version of light and the outside world, God sees this when He looks in at us.

 

 

 

#ProjectYouAreReal

 

Wanted

I don't know about you but when I think of being wanted this is the first thing that comes to my mind:

 

 

Tangled is my favorite movie of all time. It is a movie of forgiveness and healing from a terrible past. I commend Rapunzel and Eugene on their bravery. Not only did they face the hard truth about themselves, they also faced their past, came face to face with their fear, and chose to deal with the truth of who they are instead of run from their destiny.

 

They wanted each other. They never gave up on each other. They fought until the end for their love. Rapunzel was willing to sacrifice her life and happiness to save Eugene. Instead, Eugene gave himself to save her. He never once hesitated, knowing that he would die. By cutting Rapunzel's hair off, Eugene laid down his life and any hope of healing. Yes, he was still healed in the end and yes, they did live happily ever after....But he did not know that would happen until after he has died.

 

 

 

And funny thing is God wants you the same way. As cliche as it sounds, God wants you. He willingly laid His Son in death's hands and said, "Here, take him instead of her." Never once did He hesitate or hold back His love.

 

You are wanted.

 

God wants to have a fairytale with you, He wants to lay down His life to save you. He wants to live happily ever after with you. The Creator of everything wants you to be His own. His princess, His bride, His love...

 

 

 

#ProjectYouAreWanted



His

My Dear Beautiful Girl, My Princess,

 

Oh the fact that you are Mine is mind blowing. You are so breathtaking I cannot even begin to express it. Every time that you look My way, My heart stops. I cannot breathe when you are thinking about Me, talking to Me, pouring your heart out to Me.

Oh My love, when you talk to Me and tell Me all of your problems, everything that is on your mind, share your deepest heart, it sends tingles of joy down My spine. I yearn to be there to comfort you, love you, and make you feel worthy. I yearn to heal your heart and show you My deep love.

I do not think that you understand how deep My love for you goes. I would do anything for you. I have died for you and I would do it again. I would move heaven and earth just so that you know that I love you. I have taken everything that you have ever done wrong and gotten rid of it. I have washed it away in a sea so deep that you couldn't find your imperfections if you tried. You are perfect to Me.

I have watched you grow into the beautiful woman that I see now, and I am truly blown away. You have learned so much from your experiences. I have been there the whole time. When your parents were fighting, I was sitting there holding you. When you were forced to grow up too young, I was there, angry that you had to suffer that burden. When your heart was broken, every time I sat there and wept. I don't know if you could hear My voice through My tears but I was saying, "I am so sorry. This is not what I had planned for you." I want to shelter you from everything because I love you that much.

But I know that you need to grow and mature. And I pray that you run to Me when you feel that you can't bear it. I will take your burden when you are being crushed. I promise I will not walk out on you. I don't care how many times that you push me out, I will stand there and wait for you to call Me back in. I will climb your every wall just to be close to you.

 

I love you.

So right now, when I feel like I am a million miles away and My heart is breaking because you are distant, I beg you to read this. Read this and remember that I am here. I am simply a call away. I can hold you, I can love you, I can banish the pain away forever. Please just cry and let Me catch every tear and keep it safe. I want to be there with you through everything. My arms are always open, no matter how many times that you have walked away or been angry at Me. I am here, still waiting to love you.

You are Mine. And I am yours.

Love,

Your Prince

Your Lover

Your Savior

 

 

 

#ProjectYouAreHis

 

 

For the Warriors

 

Do you have what it takes?

 

 

For centuries men have been asking the question, "Am I strong enough, am I manly enough, do I have what it takes?" This is the reason that men want to find adventure, they want a cause to live for in their life, they find everything they can to make them feel like they measure up to a man. They are searching for the answer to this question. If a man is not displaying his full potential, then he has not had the question answered, "Do I have what it takes?"

Now am I saying that every man must go to war and fight? Am I saying that every man must hunt, and shoot, and play sports? No. Not at all. Am I saying that men are less manly if they play the piano, or sing, or can cook and clean? Am I saying that men have no worth if they would rather read a book than go and hike a mountain? Not in the very least!!!

 

But I am saying, something in the heart of every man yearns for adventure. They yearn to know that they have what it takes, that they are strong enough to accomplish their greatest goals. That they are man enough to snag a beautiful woman and fight the battles in front of him.

 

Men long to fight for a woman. They are drawn by the beauty and desire to make it their own. A woman is irresistible to a man. And that is a fantastic and beautiful thing.

 

You see, men, you are our strength, you are our protectors, you are our rock, our warrior. You fight for the woman, standing in the gap for us, protecting us in battle, both spiritually, physically, and emotionally. And in return, women are created to offer our love, support, and beauty in return. We can be your helper, the warrior at your side, fighting for you in return. We are meant to be at your side, caring for you and loving you.

 

Coming from a woman, the greatest men are not the ones who can bench press the most, or can beat everyone up. The greatest example of a man is the one who opens the door, rushes to relieve you of the heavy package, who cleans off your car in the snow, who offers his arm to steady your step. It is the man who notices when a woman has a need and rushes in to help her.

 

When men take care and concern for a woman's well being, it is an overwhelming breath of fresh air.

 

Not to brag on my friends or anything, but I do want to point out and thank the men in my life who have taken care of me in a way that blessed me like none other.

The first time that my good guy friend walked me to my car in the dark parking lot so that I would be safe, I wanted to cry and thank him until the end of the earth... Just him taking that extra 2 minutes to make sure that I was safe, made this little heart of mine truly overcome with gratefulness. Not only did my wonderful friend continue to walk me out every week after that, he also continued to fulfill the part in me that yearns for protection.

I can remember when it had snowed a lot and I was going to see Les Miserables with a good friend of mine. As we were walking into the movie theater, joking around and having fun like always, we reached a spot of snow that was pretty deep. As I prepared to walk through it, my friend asked if I was ready? I was slightly confused as to what he was talking about and his response was simply to pick me up and carry me through the snow.

Another time that I remember is it was freezing outside, I was driving home with a friend, in a new town, and I needed gas. As we got to a gas station my friend asked if I wanted him to pump my gas for me. I was completely blown away by this is display of care and concern.

And while I am bragging, I must brag on my father and my brother! My father has done a fantastic job of instilling in my brother the desire to protect women. My father not only cleans my car when it snows, he also protects my heart. I remember when I had my first experience with a break-up, my father simply held me and told me that I was worth being fought for, that I was worthy of a great man. Not only is my father a great man, he has made my brother a great man as well. When I am upset and crying, all I have to do is go to my brother and with his tender heart he just holds me. After I am finished crying he always asks me if he needs to get out his weapon collection... He is willing to fight for both my heart and for me physically.

 

There are a million more examples of great men in my life that have taken care of me, who have stepped in to protect and offer me strength.

 

This is what a man is able to do. When I, as a woman, feels like a man is there to protect me, I blossom. A woman's beauty can bloom and explode amidst of strength and protection. While in the presence of a warrior, a woman's heart can truly offer its beauty.

 

This is not to say that a man has to be protecting a woman to be a man, or a woman cannot be beautiful if a man is not protecting her. A man standing up for a woman and a woman being beautiful in that presence, is simply an overflow of having the answers to the questions that are inside our soul.

 

A woman asks, "Am I lovely, am I worthy to be fought for?"

A man asks, "Do I have what it takes, am I strong enough?"

 

If those questions were never answered for you, I strongly suggest that you search out those answers from the Lord. Do not go looking for the answers in human beings, look for the answer in God.

 

Men, God thinks that you are great and mighty warriors. Even if you feel like you are not ever going to be good enough, or you could never amount to anything, God has instilled in you what it takes already.

 

Just look at what He said to Gideon through an angel,"The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor!"

 

Do not be afraid of your adventure and your calling. God has placed in you might and valor and strength. He has equipped you with what you are going to need already. He says to you....

 

"Son, You have exactly what it takes to destroy whatever comes against you, you have the strength to fight every battle, you are a true man of influence and power. You are My Warrior, created to fight in My battles and be victorious."

 

#ProjectYouAreAWarrior

 

 

Seen

 

You are not invisible…

 

Now, you may be saying, well apparently you really don’t know me. I am invisible. Chiarra, the pain behind my eyes hasn’t been seen since it was put there. No one cares.

 

I have been there. For years I felt invisible. And if we are being honest here, I still feel invisible a lot of the time. I wonder how many times people have truly looked into my eyes and seen the depth behind them. I always wonder if people really stopped would they see anything besides the mask of perfection that I have put up?

 
 

Would you ever think when you look at me that I struggle daily? I don’t think that you would. I have perfected the art of masking my emotion. I am put together. No one knows when I am in pain, or insecure, or falling apart. No one knows. And why? I don’t know why. All I know is that I have been “perfect” for far too long.

 

And it has made me feel invisible. Because people only look at my perfection. They do not bother to look behind my eyes into the depth of my soul. They don’t see the little girl sitting there wishing for a comforting hug just so she feels safe. You will never see the middle school girl that is screaming for someone to notice that she was dying on the inside. If you look into my eyes, will you see how tired and exhausted I am, how life has taken its toll on me? I don’t think so. Because I am a professional at making people believe that I am fine, so I become invisible because I am fine.

 

This is my vulnerability. This is me putting myself on the line and saying that I am not perfect. This is me saying that my life is not the Barbie doll life that people think I have. This is me saying that I feel invisible.

 

But this is me also saying that I don’t need to be seen. I do not need to be seen to know I am loved.

 

You see, in the midst of everything that I have gone through, I have realized that there was someone watching my pain the whole time. Someone who was crying when I was crying, Someone whose heart broke when I was heartbroken, Someone who saw everything, Who still sees everything.

 

He was sitting there with me on my darkest nights. When I felt invisible he was comforting me saying, “This is not what I want for you, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am sorry for your pain and I wish that I could take it. I see you and I see that you are breaking apart and it breaks me. I am sorry.” He was weeping as He held me, telling me that He saw me.

 

I do not need to be seen by those around me, I am seen by my Heavenly Father. I am seen by my Creator, who weeps when I weep, who allows me to be broken. He is okay when I am not perfect. In fact it is His greatest delight for me not to be perfect. That is why He sent me His Son. Because He wanted me to know that He loved me so much that He was willing to lay everything out on the line to get me.

 

God risked it all on us. He risked the fact that we may never come to Him. We may never realize that God was there the whole time that we were hurting. We may never except His love. Yet He still risked it on us. God sees our need for Him. He sees everything about us.

 

We are seen. We are not invisible. Everything about us is visible to a God who loves every little piece of us. You, my darling, are seen and cared for by a wonderful God who is calling your name. He is saying, “My love, let me take care of all of the parts of your heart that others can’t see.”

 

#ProjectYouAreSeen

 

 

 

Chased

 

 

 

Here I am.

 

A little girl again.

And I am running.

I am in a forest.

And it is dark and cold and miserable.

I am lost.

I am afraid.

I am crying.

 

All I want is to be found.

All I want to be cherished.

All I want is to be picked up.

To hear my name and go running.

I dream of being found.

I want to be seen.

I want to know that I mean something.

 

I am chasing.

What am I chasing you ask.

I don't know.

I am chasing after someone I don't even know.

Chasing after a warmth that my little heart,

Has never even felt.

I am chasing a love that I can barely comprehend.

 

I don't know what security feels like.

I don't know what freedom feels like.

I am chained to my pain.

I am condemned to be a wanderer.

I am bruised, shaken, and torn.

I am broken.

I am lost.

 

Then in a moment, I realize that I am not alone.

I am standing here in the darkness, crying.

And I feel light touch my heart.

I hear a voice but I look around,

And no one is there.

Yet I feel my heart lift.

I have been noticed.

 

Not only have I been noticed,

But I have been found.

He took my hand and drew me in.

He wiped away my tears, my fears, my shame.

He said to me,

"My daughter, here you are.

I have been looking for you all this time."

 

Suddenly the chaser becomes the chased.

Suddenly the broken becomes the blessed.

The downtrodden becomes victorious.

The lost becomes found.

The invisible is set on fire.

The little girl is swept off her feet.

She was chased until she was found.

 

And she is worthy.

She is loved.

She is important.

She is beautiful.

She is not ashamed.

She does not hide her face.

She is Chased.

 

God wrote us a beautiful love story that many people cannot comprehend. He wrote us a story of passion and pursuit. Imagine that for a moment. Imagine that God is pursuing you. He is seeking you out. He wants to know your name.

 

It doesn't matter what you have done, or who you have become. It doesn't matter how lost you feel, or how desperate that you are. God pursues you. He wants to find you.

 

Eve messed up. And she was scared. The weight of the world was on her shoulders. She had disobeyed God. She was shame itself. She hid from God, no longer feeling worthy of His presence. Yet, God asked Eve where she was. In the midst of her shame and regret, God asked where Eve was. God wanted to be around her, still wanted her presence.

 

God is chasing after you. God is yearning to show you His love. To sweep you off your feet. To find you. To love you. To make you feel worthy again.

 

#ProjectYouAreChased